Ignorance Is Bliss
by gawilliams
Summary: Booth reacts to Bones information that eating non-organic food can cause shrinkage of the genitals. He does some investigating. Mild M for subject and swearing.
1. Chapter 1

_I've always wondered how Booth would spend the immediate aftermath of the case where Bones informed him in that wonderful way of hers that by eating non-organic foods he was risking genital shrinkage. Granted, he would likely react with reasonable good humor, but where's the fun in that? Here's my take on a more humorous, extreme reaction. I hope you enjoy it. Gregg._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Booth couldn't believe that he was even doing this. Bones, though, bless her pretty little head, had gone and let him know that Junior may be in jeopardy due to his not being willing to spend obscene amounts of money for organic foods. That had been three days ago. The first night he'd been mildly concerned, but brushed it off as a load of bullshit designed to get him flustered. The second night he'd begun worrying even more. Bones wasn't one to make up anything to do with science, though. That meant that damn study may very well be real. The third day was when he really began to sweat it. All damn day he was shifting in his seat, asking himself if he'd noticed anything off in Juniors, uh, pep, the last time he'd risen to any occasion. By the end of work that day he'd rushed home, even cranking on the siren a couple of times to get the granny drivers out of the damn way. He had some serious questions to be resolved after all! Now he was standing in his bathroom without a stitch on, hard as a freaking diamond cutter (after imagining scenario #453 in his Bones fantasy file), with a 12 inch ruler in hand measuring Junior. He had done this once before when he was drunk in college, and he was sure Junior hadn't grown since then, but he was also making damn sure that the Big Guy hadn't lost any of his luster. Okay, set end of ruler right there, making sure it was in the same spot as last time, take a look at the measurement prepared to gloat, and...

"SHIT!" came an anguished shout from Booth's apartment that could be heard in the street below.

Booth came out of the bathroom a little pale and shaky. An eighth of an inch. He'd measured three times after almost having a massive stroke. Junior had shrunk an eighth of an inch! He specifically remembered that Junior stood a proud and tall eight and one-quarter inches in college and now he was a paltry eight and one-eighth inches. The Big Guy had shrunk! He was a damn legend in college, and now that legend was showing some less than legendary statistics. Now who is to blame for all this? He had to blame someone. Yes, all that high living on cheap food was the likely culprit, but this calamity had to be blamed on someone! For now, though, he had a mission. All that food in his apartment had to go, the filthy homewreckers! And he'd just spent almost two hundred dollars on groceries the other day! Shit!

Two hours later, after emptying all his cupboards and fridge and freezer of all non-organic food, and making a list of all the stuff he needed to replace, he found himself in the same store that Bones used. My GOD! He wanted to pull out his issue handgun and shoot the owner of the store for charging absolutely obscene and totally unrealistic prices for the food in question. He was even more enraged when the total was rung up. Nine hundred ten dollars! For two weeks worth of groceries! He had to pull out his credit card to pay for all that shit!

When he got home he put everything away slamming cupboard doors, cursing the food up one end and down the other, and making an all around ass of himself. Yes, he had good reason to be a bit perturbed, but his neighbors shouldn't have to suffer for his issues. When he got done he glared at all the food he was getting rid of, sitting in the boxes on his counter and dinner table. He had only spent about two hundred dollars on that. At the rate he was going he was going to soon be tapping his retirement money in order to pay for the food he'd be needing from now on to keep Junior safe.

"You better be damn appreciative of what I'm sacrificing for you and cut out all this shrinkage bullshit," he said to his now less than perfectly glorious appendage.

He looked back up at the food he needed to get rid of. There was no way he could be honest about why he was giving away perfectly good food, even if it was a pure homewrecker. There was only one person who desperately needed the Shrunken Genital Delight. Sweets! Even though he had just met the Little Pimple a few days before, he just knew that the 12 year old had nothing worth mentioning below the belt, so some shrunken genitals wouldn't be a problem. The kid probably would spout some sick, perverted Freudian hooey to say shrunken genitals were the best thing since sliced bread! Now that was just total bullshit! If the kid could justify shrunken genitals, then _Bon Appétit_! He'd just tell him that he'd won a free shopping spree somewhere and decided to offer some free food to him. Maybe grease the skids a bit to get out of some of that counseling bullshit.

Taking out his cell phone he sent a text to Bones.

 _Bones. Next time you have some fascinating study to mention that has anything to do with the continued well being of a guy's manhood, please keep it to yourself. Ignorance is bliss. Booth._

 _PS~ We will be reviewing appropriate partnerly conversations for the SUV when on the way to and from crime scenes. Key ingredient: IGNORANCE TRULY IS BLISS. Plus it's a Hell of a lot less expensive._

 _PSS~ If, HYPOTHETICALLY, shrinkage occurs, can it be reversed? Just curious._

After sending it, he made a quick call to Sweets and let him know that he had some free food for him. Sweets, being a relatively new worker with college debt up the ass, was pleased as punch. Booth chuckled as he pulled out a beer and sat down turning on the TV. He took a sip and glared. He'd been stunned to find organic beer, so he'd had to hold back tears as he paid the exorbitant price for it.

"Doesn't even taste any different!" he said disgustedly. "For that price it should taste like the most delicious delicacy in the world!" His phone pinged and he checked the incoming text message. It was from Bones. It had one word.

 _No_.

"Damn!" He took another pull at his beer and settled in for a thoroughly depressing weekend.

 _A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this short, more extreme reaction from Booth. Of course he wouldn't react this way, but it is a fun scene to imagine. I should have a new chapter to_ An End To Celibacy _in the next couple of days, and hopefully a new chapter to_ The Election of Pope Mitch _. Gregg._


	2. Chapter 2

_Here's a short add chapter. In my twisted mind I wanted to see how Booth would react if Bones decided to share the knowledge of the benefits of organic food beyond just him. Here's my take on that. Of course nothing of the sort would ever happen, and the humor takes it out of character, but it's fun anyway. I hope you enjoy it. Gregg._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Booth got to work a bit late Wednesday morning, so he decided to stop by the break room and grab some donuts and coffee before heading through the bullpen and to his office. Instead of donuts, though, all he saw were vegetable trays filled with carrot and celery sticks. He searched high and low for the donuts and couldn't find a damn one! He thought for one horror filled moment that the secretaries had been put in charge of the snacks again! If so he would find the nut who didn't read the memo that that was not to happen ever again and beat him to a pulp! The last time that had happened the secretaries had placed the whole crew on an austerity diet of nothing but vegetables and high fiber crap like ultra high fiber bran muffins! Everyone got a seriously up close and personal relationship with their favorite porcelain God during that miserable month. Then he calmed down and recalled that an edict had come down from on high that that was not to happen again, and it was his bullpen's turn to keep the snacks flowing, so there had to be something else going on. His crew were awesome on the snacks, so he wondered what had gone wrong. Oh, well. He had some candy bars in his desk anyway, so he just grabbed a cup of coffee and headed to his office.

That was when he began noticing some rather belligerent looks from his loyal minions. He also saw a few drinking some green sludge like Bones did whenever she did a toxin cleanse. It was hideous stuff that made him want to toss his cookies from just the smell of it. The grumbling going on around him wasn't too pleasant, either. He quickly made some tracks to his office and closed the door, drawing the shades down, too. He sat down at his desk, considered the sequence of events from the break room to the office, and came to one sickening conclusion. Picking up his phone, he punched one on the speed dial.

" _Booth_ ," Bones said when she picked up on the other end. " _Do we have a case_?"

"No," he said firmly. "What did you do, Bones?"

" _I don't know what you are referring to_ ," she replied, her tone conveying her usual confusion when he jumped a couple steps ahead with mere simpleton logic. Her devastatingly brilliant mind was far above the pedestrian, everyday logic he employed, regardless of how much common sense informed his.

"Don't try to deny it," he said instead of explaining. "I have a great little wigwam going here at the Hoover, but for some reason my normally happy little Braves are looking at their exalted High Chief as if he's the Spawn of Satan. I think I even heard a few choice death threats thrown in. This has Squint written all over it, Bones. Now, again. What did you do?"

" _The only thing I've done relating to the FBI this week, except for having dinner with you at the Diner yesterday, was sending an e-mail to your division with the study on organic foods attached since you seemed so interested in the study over the weekend_ ," she told him. " _I'm sorry I didn't get to it until yesterday, but I've been very busy working on the final re-edit of my latest manuscript_."

Booth's jaw was about on the floor. He rapidly opened his e-mail on the desktop on his desk and stared, horrified at a single e-mail on there that was from Bones and cc'd to the major crimes division he was the head of. There it was as big as life. He clicked onto the link to the study and quickly scanned the abstract. _**DAMN!**_ It was true. She hadn't been bullshitting him! He mentally congratulated himself on getting all that filthy non-organic home wrecking food out of his happy home. That was okay when it was just him. Now, though, he had a bullpen full of _**FORMERLY**_ happy little Indians worried that their junk was no longer up to snuff! Some had probably been freaking out that what little they had was on the chopping block! No wonder they wanted to rip his balls off! They must be out there shitting themselves over the whole thing!

"You've neutered my guys!" he said in a strangled voice.

" _I did no such thing_ ," she chided him, chuckling at his vocal histrionics.

"Yes, you did," he shot back. "They're out there right now worried that their sex lives are going right down the toilet! There's a few of them doing a total cleanse drinking that green sludge you use! All the snacks in the break room are organic raw veggies with organic dip! I'm going to be dealing with a bunch of insurrectionists who are dividing their time between the job and some serious time on the throne! Not to mention all the time they'll be dreaming of lynching me!"

" _They should be thanking you for having a good enough friend willing to share important information that will assist in keeping them sexually healthy_ ," Bones replied.

"Trust me, Bones, when it comes to shrinkage, guys absolutely live by the philosophy Ignorance Is Bliss!" he informed her. He sighed. "I gotta go and get some work done. I'll pick you up for lunch. If I'm not there on time start calling the hospitals to find out if my guys decided to stage a coup and severely maim me."

He ended the call and sighed again. This was a horrible development. Not only was he going broke trying to keep Junior safe and sound, or at least as sound as possible after discovering a one-eighth inch of shrinkage, but he now had to worry about some angry agents in his bullpen deciding to castrate their _El Supremo_ because his partner decided they all needed to be let in on the good news that their manhood was being destroyed by not eating obscenely expensive organic foods! He was only glad that he hadn't mentioned the situation with the secretaries to her or else he would be having a revolt for making sexual stereotypes regarding women's roles in the workplace. That would have been the kiss of death for him and Junior here at the FBI once Carolyn Julian got through with them! He only prayed that the whole genital mumbo jumbo didn't have anything to do with women. Then he'd really be in danger of a tribal coup! He saw a message flash from his boss Cullen and opened it. He swore viciously when he read the contents.

 _Supervisory Special Agent (For Now!) Booth ~ Would you care to explain why my wife handed me a receipt to an organic food store for a weeks worth of groceries totaling nearly $800? After recovering from my near heart attack I asked her what in the world possessed her to spend $800 of "our" hard earned dollars at an organic food store! She said, and I quote, "Ask Booth". I'm asking, so I assume you have a damn good answer to this one! I expect it by the end of the day! Cullen._

Booth groaned. He'd had a miserable weekend and now this whole week was going down the crapper. That "For Now" in the message sounded ominous, so he was going to make sure that Bones owned up to her part in all this right there with him in Cullen's office. If he was going down in flames, he was going to make damn sure he wasn't alone! Why couldn't he have simply not texted Bones? He shook his head over his mistake. He should have known that she would assume he was "interested" in genital shrinkage. He pulled a file over to him and opened it. Maybe a bit of paperwork would let him forget his nightmare for a bit.

 _A/N: I hope you all enjoyed the second chapter. I am considering a third chapter to finish the story, or let it simply stand as is. Have a great day! Gregg._


	3. Chapter 3

_Thank you for the great responses to the first two chapters to this one. I have decided to divide the chapter into two parts, with lunch with Bones being the first part. I hope you enjoy it. Gregg._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Though there was no direct confrontation with his "Little Braves" before he left the area for some lunch, Booth was sure that there was some definite plans being made for his scalping. The glares had not ceased, and the guys drinking the green sludge were making regular, and _**very**_ rapid, trips to the throne room every ten minutes like clockwork. For most of the morning he had been debating whether or not to head home and put on his cup for some added protection, which Junior and the Boys were expressing some rather _enthusiastic_ approval of, but he had held off until now. He would make a final decision after he had lunch with Bones. He only prayed that none of his minions had the info that, if any shrinkage had occurred, there was no reversal. If he'd suffered an eighth of an inch to his magnificence with his very good health, he could only imagine what those lesser beings had suffered.

Walking into the Diner he saw Bones was already there in their regular booth. He signaled the waitress that he wanted his usual, and then quickly slid into his seat across from Bones.

"Bones, we need to have a chat," he said without preamble.

"Have your _Little Braves_ , as you so inarticulately labeled your junior agents, recognized the distinct favor you have done them?" Bones asked curiously. Naturally she considered it to be Booth's favor as he had been the one to show such interest in the subject in the first place. She only assisted him in spreading the important information more efficiently.

Booth looked at Bones like she was growing horns out of the side of her head. " _ **MY**_ favor?" he practically shouted in shocked disbelief. "I'm not the one who spread the good news, Bones! I'm not the one who wanted his underlings thinking that what little they have South of the Border is in serious jeopardy! I -..."

"You have knowledge of the size of your subordinates penises?" Bones instantly asked, suddenly very curious.

"What the Hell?" Booth exclaimed, not believing that she had asked him such a ludicrous question. Also the fact that she seemed interested in that issue made him nauseous. The only penis he wanted her interested in was his. That was a pipe dream, though, after his line bullshit of the year before. Junior was still screaming at him over that one on a nightly basis.

"You did make a statement as to their size when you said 'what little they have' which implies direct knowledge," she told him. "Also, is that a comparison to your penis size?"

Booth was on the verge of a stroke as he took all that in and noticed that people were beginning to stare. "Absolutely not!" he hissed as he made a slashing motion to get her to shut up before he was utterly humiliated in public. "And as far as knowing what they have below the belt, that's just sick! Of course I don't!"

"What size is you penis?" Bones asked, genuinely curious, though she had to admit she was enjoying seeing Booth so flustered.

Booth's eyes bugged out. This whole conversation was insane! Well, maybe he could manage to get her to shut up by being up front! "I'll have you know that Junior is a very proud eight and one-eighth inches!" he smugly informed her, though in a low voice so no one else would hear this line of talk.

The waitress chose that moment to show up at the table with their orders, and heard his vital statistic. "Here you go," she told him. Then she slipped a piece of paper into Booth's jacket pocket. "Here's my number, Sweetie. Call me," she told him with a wink, and a slow swipe of her tongue along her lower lip which only he could see. She walked away with an extra sway to her hips.

Bones scowled at the brazen waitress, but the information that Booth had just given her riveted her attention. "That is well above average," she remarked, mentally imagining how he would feel sliding into her, stretching and filling her deliciously, the friction of the rhythmic motions sure to bring about many powerful orgasms. She schooled her features to make sure that he did not pick up on her rising arousal at his revelation of his size. She wondered if he also had girth to complement the length, though she didn't mention that curiosity.

Booth mentally did a fist pump and had to squelch the desire to shout a loud _YES!_ Instead he plowed ahead. "That may be, Bones, but now I have to worry about getting scalped by my mutinous band of Braves," he reminded her. "I have one more question. How the Hell did Cullen's wife find out about that damn study?"

"I decided to let Deputy Director Cullen know as well, but only had his wife's e-mail address, so I sent the study to her in order that he could benefit from it," she replied honestly.

Booth wanted to break down and cry. How could Bones, the most brilliant person he'd ever known, or heard of, believe that any guy would want to know that his dick was shrinking? Booth had nothing to complain about at all in the size department, yet he was freaking out over the minuscule one-eighth of an inch missing. He could only imagine how the other guys less well blessed were taking the news. "Way to spread the good news, Bones," he muttered as he took a bite of his burger. "Cullen's wife went out and spent over 800 dollars on a weeks' worth of organic groceries and Sam nearly had a heart attack when he saw the receipt. When he demanded an explanation she said _Ask Booth_. He's demanding an explanation by the end of work today from yours truly, and even implied that my wigwam won't be my wigwam for much longer."

"I am sure you will be able to adequately explain the situation," Bones attempted to reassure him.

"Oh, no," he said firmly. "I'm not heading into the lion's den alone. If I have to go in there and have my ass handed to me, I won't be going down alone. You're going to be right there with me explaining why you felt it necessary to call into question everyone's manhood."

"I would be happy to," Bones cheerfully told him. "Deputy Director Cullen is an intelligent man and I am sure once he understands the seriousness of what I was informing people of he will be thanking you for having such a concerned partner."

"Somehow I don't think that's how it's going to go down," Booth grumbled as he took a sip of his coffee. "Just remember the key to a guy's philosophy of life, Bones. Ignorance is Bliss." As he sat there eating his lunch, mental images of Junior being scalped ran through his mind. Images of circumcision with a dull rusty pocket knife with him kicking and screaming as his band of pissed off little Braves held him down and went to town on Junior. Feeling his stomach turn, he got up and went to the counter to see if they had any Pepto in stock.

 _A/N: I decided as I was writing this one that I would divide this final chapter into two chapters. The first is the above where Booth lets Bones know she's joining him when he explains it all to Cullen. The next one, and likely the final chapter to this, will be the confrontation in Cullen's office. I hope you enjoyed this one. Gregg._


	4. Chapter 4

_Well, here we are: the dreaded meeting in Cullen's office. Thank you for all the encouragement on this story. It's been a lot of fun writing this one. I plan on doing one more chapter where Bones rewards Booth for being such a good sport through all this._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Booth was sure that this was not going to go well. Even with Bones right beside him, he was certain that nothing good could come with Cullen getting the good news that his manhood may not be so high and mighty as he thought it was. That and the obscenely high food bills that were now coming his way like clockwork when his wife went shopping, and Booth was sure that he was doomed.

"Are you wearing a protective device for your genitalia?" Bones suddenly asked as she was sitting next to Booth in the outer office of Deputy Director Cullen waiting for Cullen to call them in. She ignored the shocked look on Cullen's secretary's face when she asked Booth that question.

Booth wanted to crawl into any waiting hole in the ground. Of course Bones would notice _**that**_! He groaned. "It's called a cup, Bones," he told her quietly with some serious exasperation. "And I told you I'm trying very hard to keep my highly evolved body intact. The glares and _soto voce_ threats this afternoon have gotten worse!"

"Do you seriously believe that they would scalp your eight and one-eighth inch penis?" Bones asked directly.

"Bones!" Booth hissed, noticing the now very interested look from Cullen's secretary, a woman who looked a lot like his grandmother. The thought made him even more nauseous than he had been before. "I would appreciate it if you didn't hand out my vital statistics! I'm not a peep show!"

"Actually I know a number of women, and a few men, who would enjoy having a view of such an impressively sized penis," Bones commented. Then she smirked. "Angela, of course, being at the head of any such list."

Booth wanted to hurl at the mere thought of any guys wanting to have an up close and personal look see at Junior and the Boys, but he kept it together. Right now he was embarrassed as Hell that Cullen's secretary was hearing all this.

"Bones, I am begging you to shut up!" he pleaded in a low, imploring tone. Then for some reason he would never understand, he let his small head do the talking for one sentence. "Are you on the list?" he questioned, then shut his mouth instantly once he realized what he had said.

"Of course," Bones told him with no shame whatsoever. "I would be ahead of Angela, assuming such an occasion presented itself. I would have thought that would be obvious, regardless of any artificial line you drew between us."

"I knew that damn line was going to bite me in the ass," he muttered so low that no one heard him.

"You may go in now," the secretary told them, making sure to take a surreptitious look at a certain area of Booth's body as they walked past her. She sighed and wished she were twenty years younger.

Booth entered his superior's office with no small amount of dread. He was sure that there was no good outcome to this one. Bones, he noticed peevishly, was right there beside him acting as if there was not a care in the world. Easy for her to feel that way. Her hard earned position wasn't in jeopardy. No one had thrown her under the bus by pointing out that her friends and co-workers womanhood was in serious jeopardy! Not to mention letting her boss in on the ensuing joy! As these thoughts were going through his mind he took a look at Cullen. The man was sitting behind his desk, not even standing politely. Damn! Sam Cullen was normally very polite, though he could be a real hard ass when he wanted to be.

"Booth, Dr. Brennan," Cullen said after a moment. He hadn't expected Brennan here with Booth, but Booth probably though some backup would save his ass.

"Director," Booth said, really wishing he could be anywhere else right then.

"Director Cullen," Bones said, a tad more formal.

Cullen slid a receipt across his desk towards Booth and Brennan. "That was what my wife handed me yesterday evening," he told them. "That was for one weeks worth of groceries at an organic food store. $800. Do you have any idea how much that will cost me if that is every week of the year?"

Booth tried to open his mouth and say something to defuse the situation, but Bones beat him to the punch. He could only grimace and pray for a miracle.

"Forty-one thousand six hundred dollars," she answered, doing the math in her head.

"Which is four times what I would ordinarily spend on food," Cullen said dryly, with a suffering look at both of them, his droll wit coming to the fore. "Anyone care to explain why my wife decided to shift her spending into overdrive and put my retirement plans into the fire?"

Again, before he had a chance to reply and try and salvage his job, Bones replied before Booth could.

"You can thank Booth for this as he has a real desire to ensure the genital health of his colleagues and friends," Bones told Booth's superior who's eyes widened a bit at that one.

Booth about lost control of his sphincter when he heard that one. " _ **I what?**_ " he exclaimed, trying not to have a heart attack. What did she think he was? Gay? He had no interest in guys dicks at all! Now she was making it seem like he spent his time worrying about his band of Braves Johnsons and their size! That was just plain sick!

"You really should accept your role in this, Booth," Bones told him. "Your inquiry over the weekend showed a very modern and prescient awareness of sexual health and vitality. While surprised, and, quite frankly, astonished, I was sure that you would appreciate my assistance in making sure that the information was properly distributed as I had access to the study that showed that male genital shrinkage was significantly more prevalent in those who pursued a non-organic food regimen."

Booth couldn't believe how Bones had just thrown him under the damn bus! Talk about a horrifying state of affairs! Now he was being made out to be a pervert! He knew his jaw had to be on the floor at that very moment as he tried to figure out how to get out of this nightmare!

"I don't give a damn about anyone's genital health!" he said loudly. "I don't even like thinking about my own!"

"You're too modest, Booth," she replied. "You did ask, did you not, whether it was possible to reverse any shrinkage that occurred?"

"Well, yes," he said sheepishly.

"I think that's enough of the arguing for one discussion," Cullen finally said, tiring of all this bullshit. Now he knew what his wife was trying to do. Yes, he was appreciative, but he'd have rather gone to his grave fully ignorant of any shrinkage that may or may not have occurred. Now that he had a weekly food bill that was not to be believed, and a wife who would not be reasoned with, he was going to have to punish someone for this colossal fuck up. "Dr. Brennan, could you step outside while I have a discussion with our new penile specialist here?"

Bones, for once, knew that a tactical retreat was best. The look of horror on Booth's face was enough to convince her that something was definitely wrong. "Of course," she told him. "I'll be waiting for you outside, Booth."

Booth felt like breaking down and crying. This had turned out horribly, and it was all his fault for insisting on Bones being here to explain herself. Oh, she had alright, but instead of taking responsibility for her disastrous screw up, she'd laid all the blame at his feet! As it was he was about to drop down and beg Cullen for a chance to repair all the damage.

"What'd I say about Squints being out of the lab?" Cullen said when Brennan had left the room.

"Not a good idea," Booth replied, trying to come up with a way to make Bones pay for this bullshit without getting her pissed off. He still wanted to have an outside chance of getting together with her one day, after all.

""And who's responsible when it goes South?"

"Me," Booth almost cried. This was worse than getting caught by Pops as he was having a grand old time with his girlfriend in the back of Pops classic Cadillac when he was a teenager! He never wanted to even see that beast of a vehicle ever again!

"I think my best agent has been turning into a Squint, and forgotten how to be one of the guys," Cullen remarked. "And also has picked up some deviant interests along the way."

"Deviant interests?" Booth let loose with a shout of horror and outrage.

"Worrying about a persons subordinate's dicks is deviant in my book, Booth," Cullen told him.

Booth prayed that his priest never heard about this one. He was damn sure going to make certain that Mitch never finds out about it. He'd be labeled a deviant freak for all eternity! He and Bones were going to have a little chat after this was over with!

Cullen picked up a few papers and made a scene of shuffling through them. "I was going to sign off on ending the therapy sessions with Sweets considering how well you and Dr. Brennan handled this recent case, but I think some more sessions are in order now that we know you've been damaged by working with the Squints," he told his best agent. "Two years of sessions with Sweets one on one, non-negotiable, and one year of sessions of both of you with Sweets."

"What?" Booth screeched. He'd been so close to being done with all that psycho hooey! Now he had two years to plow through?

"You also need some more time getting back to being a real agent, so Carolyn Julian will be moving her office to yours and you can have a desk in the bullpen for a while," Cullen decreed. "You're still an SSA, but I don't want to hear anymore about concern for genital health!"

Booth about swallowed his tongue. His wigwam had bit the dust! His bastion of independence was in flames! And those clear images of dull, rusty pocket knives working over Junior were at the forefront of his mind once more!

"Any questions?" Cullen asked.

"No," Booth said morosely.

"Then get out there and get your manhood back!" Cullen ordered. "And I better not get anymore shocking changes to my food bills! This is bad enough!"

"Yes, Sir," Booth said as he made his way to the door and left.

Cullen looked at the receipt from the night before. He could see his fishing boat and lake cabin plans for retirement going down in flames because of Booth's newfound interest in genital health. DAMN! He knew that letting Squints in the field was a disaster waiting to happen!

 _A/N: I don't know what possessed me to write this chapter like I did, but for some reason it wrote itself. There is going to be one more chapter, and that one will see Booth well rewarded by Bones for being a good sport about losing his wigwam. LOL. I hope you enjoyed this one, no matter how outlandish it was. Gregg._


	5. Chapter 5

_Thank you for the response to the first four chapters to this one. It's been a lot of fun looking back on that episode from the third season and creating this story. This will be the final chapter, so I saved the fun, rollicking time for the last one. I hope you enjoy it! Gregg._

 _Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended._

Booth sat in the SUV driving him and Bones to the Founding Fathers for some dinner. He was grinding his teeth over the events of the day. His wigwam, which he had spent some serious time on making it the perfect working mans cave, had now bit the dust! Not only bit the dust, but was the total six feet under! And then there was Sweets! He had been so close to being done with that Twelve year old little pimple, but now he has to suffer two years worth of one on one sessions with him! Not to mention the two on one sessions he and Bones had to labor through for the next year. Bones! God damn! Because of her Cullen was now convinced that he was a deviant pervert interested in the well being of his underlings dicks! That was just plain disgusting! He didn't give a Tinker's damn what was happening with any other guy's Johnson! He barely wanted to know anything about his own, except that Junior was saluting proud and tall at the appropriate times and places, without, of course, any more of this shrinkage bullshit! Now all those traitorous Heathens he was in charge of were just waiting in silence for when they could do some serious damage to Junior with a rusty pocket knife!

But he couldn't do anything to Bones since he was still hoping beyond hope to be with her one of these days. After all, he'd spent the last three years scurrying to confession almost every day and suffered unheard of amounts of penance from Mitch and being labeled a perverted sex freak! To blow it now and lose his temper, thus destroying any chance with her, would make all the time in Purgatory that was awaiting him totally worthless, and force him to shred up all 736 sin filled sex fantasies (the 100% Pure Grade A kind!) involving Bones! Nope. That was too much he had to lose to screw it up now.

Yet who could he punish? Someone had to be punished! This sure as Hell wasn't his fault! He didn't spread all the good news that his underlings manhood, as well as Cullen's, was in jeopardy through eating non-organic food! He didn't make it out like he was interested in genital health! God, even the term itself wanted to make him toss his cookies! It brought to mind all those vile, disgusting VD videos showing guys dicks rotting off in the pre-deployment processing briefings that made everyone want to hightail it to the nearest Church and priest to pray to God that they would go and sin no more, after, of course, a quick visit to the base hospital, on the sly, and getting checked out for every sexual disease known to man! In other words, totally disgusting and nauseating!

"I think the meeting with Cullen went rather well," Bones said as the SUV pulled into an empty space about ten feet from the entrance to Founding Fathers.

Booth looked at her incredulously. "Are you stoned?" he blurted out.

"Of course not," she told him.

"Then what meeting did you attend?" he demanded. "Cullen thinks I'm a deviant pervert! I have to spend _**two years**_ of one on one quality time with Sweets, in addition to one year of that same time for both of us with that Twelve year old. I have no wigwam anymore. And to top it all off, I have a bunch of treacherous Heathens to lead who want nothing more than to permanently fuck up my sex life! And for the record, Bones, I have absolutely _**no interest whatsoever**_ in anyone's genital health! Just thinking about the term makes me want to puke. So if there is even one _**sliver**_ of a silver lining in this I'd love to know what it is."

"You will have a superb sex life," Bones told him directly.

Booth flinched. "How the Hell will that happen?" he decided to ask. At the moment a chance at even a half assed, premature ejaculating sex life would be preferable to the life of pain induced celibacy those _**BASTARDS**_ who worked for him had planned for his future!

"I feel that the line you stated so directly a year ago should no longer be in force, and I also would like very much to examine and verify the claim you made in Cullen's outer office," she informed him. "Eight and one-eighth inches, I believe?"

Booth audibly gulped, not quite believing what he'd just heard. "Now Bones," he said as soon as his voice returned and he'd almost hacked up a lung in shock. "Don't toy with me. I'm emotionally fragile right now, and have had the worst day of my professional life. Not even my Priest is going to be let in on this one."

"You of all people should know by now that I never am anything but completely honest with respect to the subject of sex," she reminded him.

He thought of what had gone down the last few days and had to admit she was honest to the point of totally fucking up the sex lives of everyone around her in the hopes of _**properly**_ educating them on sex. His new desk location, the meeting with Cullen and the upcoming two years of joy filled one on one quality time with Sweets were proof positive of that! It totally sucked when on the receiving end of the fucking up part, but it was her and her way and he loved her anyway. God he was so whipped!

Twenty minutes later Booth was naked in his bed, sitting up against the head board, legs spread out in front of him. After a painful moment of silence in the SUV he'd nearly floored the accelerator and sped away from Founding Fathers, cranking on the siren when traffic got a little slow. There had been absolutely no way he was going to mess this one up. Bones had actually demolished the Line bullshit and let him know that she wanted to get acquainted with Junior and the Boys! Needless to say Junior had taken over all cognitive functions from that moment on. Senior's track record on the subject of sex and Bones was rather pathetic, after all. No, that didn't quite cover it. Humiliating was the proper term. Junior was taking no chances on this one, so had shoved Senior into a dark corner for the time being.

Bones, bless her absolutely gorgeous head, was right in the spirit of the festivities. She was naked as the day she was born, laying down between Booth's legs, hands on Junior, face close, examining the Legendary Fella' for all she was worth. My God was she a thing of absolute Beauty! Booth now had a fabulous view of her back, perfect ass, and the backs of her long legs. Junior, of course, was standing proud and tall, making sure that all knew he was definitely alive and well. That reminded him of something.

"Uh, Bones?" he asked. "I don't know how long I can last."

He cringed in embarrassment. The party had barely begun and he was about to lose it like some pathetic teenager, or some pansy like Sully! Yeah, yeah he shouldn't be mad at Sully, as the guy was one of the good ones, but Damn It was nothing sacred anymore? Sneaking in like some interloping waste of skin was bad enough, but then to have the utter gall to try and convince Bones to sail off into the Sunset? Nope. The guy had earned a permanent place on Booth's shit list. If not at the top, then damn near the top of it.

Bones smiled. For her part she was thoroughly enjoying herself. It wasn't often that one is presented such a glorious male phallus to appreciate and enjoy, so she was taking this slowly, making sure to memorize and experience every beautiful, hard inch of it. Her body had a coursing, throbbing arousal running through it, her nipples tight and pebbled, the frissons of that exquisite pain/pleasure mix running straight down to her swelling, sensitive clit. The moisture gathering between her legs another obvious sign that her decision to push this with Booth was a very good one.

"I need to take the time to get to know and appreciate your very impressive member," she told him as she slid her hand up and down his cock, the foreskin drawing back and forth slowly. She used enough pressure to keep him very aroused, but not quite enough to draw out an orgasm from him.

"I can take care of that," Booth said hurriedly. "Junior meet Bones. Bones meet Junior and the Boys. Now that the introductions have been taken care of can we please, for the love of God, move this along to the totally awesome sinning?"

"You do realize that a rushed attitude like that can lead to a multitude of performance issues, such as premature ejaculation?" she questioned him as she sped up the hand job she was giving him, memorizing the texture and veins running up and down the length of his cock. She was imagining how exquisite he would feel inside of her, the full, stretched feeling combined with the slow friction of the movement in and out as he fucked her.

"There will be no talk of that kind of stuff," Booth decreed, silently screaming at Junior that there damn well better not be any of that kind of bullshit! Shrinkage was bad enough and look what the results were. He could only imagine the worldwide apocalypse that would ensue if Junior delivered a half assed performance punctuated by premature ejaculation. Junior getting scalped by those sick Sadists in his office would be a damn party by comparison!

Bones chuckled at how easy it was to get Booth flustered. Instead of continuing this, though, she decided to really begin. With a swift movement she pulled down his erection level with her mouth and rapidly engulfed the first three inches, letting her tongue swirl along his sheathed length, loving the warm, heavenly taste of his aroused flesh.

"Jesus!" Booth exhaled when she did that, not even giving him time to prepare. Then he took stock of the sensations and groaned in pleasure. "Oh, God," he managed to get out. As it was it was all he could do not to explode as he watched the top of her head bobbing in what seemed like an awkward up-down/back-forth movement, but he couldn't deny how unbelievably awesome it felt!

Bones slowly increased the length of Booth that she was taking into her mouth. She was adept at deep throating, and enjoyed giving oral, as well as receiving, very much. The problem wasn't so much the length, as it was the girth. Booth was not only long, but thick. She enjoyed the challenge, though, and the heady, masculine scent emanating from him further spurred her on. She could taste the precum seeping from him, and knew he was desperately close. She quickly removed him from her mouth and stopped the sliding of her hand up and down his length.

"Don't stop now!" Booth practically shrieked, looking down at her incredulously. Here he was actually experiencing Bones fantasy scenario #78 and she was stopping the festivities!

"Oh, I'm not stopping," Bones assured him in a husky tone of voice. She slid up along his body, letting her full breasts drag along his torso, the skin on skin contact providing a delicious friction for her nipples to enjoy. There would be plenty of times to blow him to completion and enjoy the taste of him, but for now she needed him inside of her. Instead of letting him lay down, she decided to give him a treat and came up even with him, angling her hips just right and slid down his length, impaling herself on that very impressive mouth watering eight and one-eighth inches. She moaned in delight as her clit rubbed along his lower abdomen just above the base of his cock with every movement of her hips, the rhythm slow and sensual in that position of them sitting and facing each other as they made love.

Booth's mind was pure mush as he tried to comprehend the fluid way in which she had shifted from #78 right into scenario #112 without losing a beat. Junior was telling Senior to shut up and take it like a Man instead of trying to analyze it like a Squint! Booth let his hands move down to Bones' perfect ass and he squeezed those luscious cheeks he'd been fantasizing about for the last three years now. The moans and whimpers that came from Bones mouth as they went at it were pure music to his ears. He made a personal resolve to take a little vacation time to off to find Sully and beat the shit out of him for trying to take Bones away. Before he could think of anything else he groaned audibly.

"Fuck that feels so good," he said harshly in her ear as he felt her use her internal muscles to squeeze him tightly in a very rhythmic pattern.

"You recognize it?" she breathed huskily into his ear as she continued to draw him further into the heights of ecstasy. She ground down hard, putting added stimulus on her already hyper sensitive clit, feeling a small orgasm flow through her, all the while continuing the pattern.

It clicked in Booth's head all of a sudden. No way! "Hot Blooded?" he asked incredulously, his hands slamming her ass down on him as he exploded with that realization.

Bones shattered in a full blown orgasm as she felt him unleash himself inside of her. She let out a sex addled scream of total pleasure in Booth's ear and then went limp, still sitting up against his torso, his cock still embedded in her throbbing pussy. She could hear his ragged breath and knew it matched her own.

"Our song," she said as soon as she had her breath back and breathing under control.

"Damn!" he said in a near incredulous awe filled voice.

"I am sexually quite accomplished," Bones told him directly, a smile tugging at her lips. She was determined to combine a mix of sexually charged and direct statements to their intimate conversations. One thing that she would not do is be anything other than herself sexually, and she would never try and change Booth, either, as she loved everything about him, and always had regardless of how frustrating the man could be at times. "Which reminds me, we need to go back to the lab this evening," Bones said, seemingly way off topic.

Booth looked at her. "Huh?" he questioned. "I am not going to the lab tonight, Bones," he decreed firmly. "We have the bed, apartment to ourselves, and finally nothing preventing us from having one hellacious sex fest. The lab will always be there tomorrow." Junior was screaming happily at Senior letting him know that it was great that the guy had finally grown a set and was laying down the law with Bones.

Bones sighed dramatically. Then she leaned in and spoke to him with her lips at his ear. "That's too bad as I was hoping to have you bend me over my desk at the Jeffersonian and fuck me until I am screaming your name and can't walk straight," she whispered. "Wouldn't you like that, Booth? Pounding your big cock in my tight little pussy in my office? Maybe even spanking me as you fuck me from behind? You like that, Booth?" she cooed as she felt his cock stirring to life within her. "You like the idea of spanking my ass while you fuck me from behind? I know I'd love to feel that and climax screaming your name as you cum deep inside me."

Booth was about to have a stroke. Bones was a master at dirty talk he now knew, and the images that she was painting, specifically scenario #2, namely bending her over her desk and screwing her senseless, and scenario #315, giving her a spanking while administering said screwing, about took him over the edge without any sort of sexual movement whatsoever.

"Go get cleaned up and ready, Bones," he told her with a ragged voice. "It's time to christen that desk of yours."

"And spank my bare ass?" she asked in a demure voice. "I've been such a naughty girl, Booth."

"I think we can fit that into the schedule," he told her as she sashayed from the bedroom, her hips swaying in a mesmerizing fashion. He looked down at Junior. "No shrinking, and no performance issue bullshit, Junior," he scolded the somewhat flaccid appendage. "Not when we have a living, breathing wet dream of a sexual Goddess all to ourselves from now on." When he heard the shower come on he thought of something and jumped out of bed, running to the bathroom full tilt.

"Bones!" he shouted. "No telling Angela or anyone else about any of this! We may have screwed the old pooch before, but on this one, too, Ignorance is Bliss!"

The door slid aside, revealing a still naked Bones. Before he could say anything a loud squeal of delight could be heard coming from Bones' cell phone. It didn't take a genius to know who that was coming from.

Bones grinned. "She called and figured it out for herself," she told him. "Your statement just now confirmed it for her."

"Damn!" Booth said as the door slid closed. Nothing was sacred anymore! Then he thought of the fact that for the first time in the last three years he could go to confession and actually be called a pervert for some real action instead of Mitch's warped sense of perspective! He smiled suddenly. YES! He had the perfect talking point to deliver when he got to spank Bones' spectacular ass in her office. IGNORANCE IS BLISS!

 _A/N: Well, there it is. The final chapter. I am sorry for the lengthy delay but a spate of ill health has laid me up for some time and unable to work on this. I hope you enjoyed Booth's reward. I plan on returning to_ An End To Celibacy _and also_ Pope Mitch _soon with some new chapters. Gregg._


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